Struggling to stay composed? The problem isn’t the emotion, it’s the meaning you attach to it. In this article, I’ll share what emotional control really is, why suppression backfires, and how to work with your emotions (not against them).
Let’s say it like it is, when people say they want to be able to control their emotions, what they really mean is they don’t want to…
- Cry in meetings.
- Feel angry when something unfair happens.
- Panic when things feel uncertain.
They don’t want to navigate emotion; they want to delete it.
And that’s the real issue.
Because your emotions aren’t the problem, but rather the way you relate to them.
The Hidden Cost of Trying to “Stay in Control”
When someone says, “I want to control my emotions,” it sounds reasonable. Grown-up, even.
But dig a little deeper, and here’s what it often really means:
- “I don’t want to feel so much.”
- “I’m scared that if I show emotion, I’ll lose credibility.”
- “I want to come across as strong, calm, rational, unshakable.”
It’s less about control and more about avoidance.
A desire to stay likeable, safe, palatable. Especially in leadership roles, where emotions have been framed as liabilities instead of intelligence.
So we suppress. We override. We smile through gritted teeth and call it “professionalism.”
But that emotional suppression? It has a cost.
Here’s what it creates:
- Unprocessed anger that leaks out as passive-aggression or burnout.
- Emotional numbness that turns you into a blank version of yourself.
- Disconnection from others because you’re not letting them see the real you.
- Overthinking spirals, because the emotions you won’t feel have to go somewhere.
And eventually, the mask slips.
You snap. You freeze. You cry over something small that wasn’t even the thing.
You wonder, “Why can’t I just hold it together?”
Here’s the thing that is rarely talked about:
You were never supposed to hold it all in. You were supposed to learn how to move with it, not bury it. That’s emotional intelligence.
90-Seconds
Here’s something that might surprise you: According to neuroscientist Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, when an emotion is triggered, the actual physiological reaction lasts only 90 seconds.
That’s it.
Ninety seconds for the chemical cascade to flush through your system.
After that, if you’re still feeling it, it’s because you’re recycling it through thought.
Let that sink in.
The emotion itself is temporary; it delivered its message and has done its thing.
The ongoing suffering? That’s often caused by the story you’re telling yourself about what it means.
We don’t just feel things, we interpret them, judge them, spin a narrative around them… and then wonder why we feel overwhelmed.
The Emotion Isn’t the Issue – The Story Is
Let’s see this in action:
You feel anxiety.
Your brain instantly adds: “I’m not ready. I’m going to mess this up.”
You feel anger.
You decide: “I’ve overreacted. They’ll think I’m difficult.”
You feel grief.
You whisper: “I should be over this by now.”
The emotion isn’t the villain. It’s the meaning you attached to it that knocked you sideways.
What “Control” Really Looks Like (And It’s Not a Poker Face)
When people say they want emotional control, what they often crave is emotional safety.
They want to feel something without losing themselves in it. To stay grounded while still being human. To not be held hostage by the emotional waves, but also not suppress and pretend the sea isn’t there.
That’s about becoming emotionally literate.
What if we reframed the goal:
Emotional control is about feeling fully, without the story taking over.
What Actually Helps?
Now emotions are fast, but they don’t have to be in charge. With practice, you can shift from emotional chaos to emotional clarity.
Start here:
- Name it.
The moment you name what you’re feeling, you create space around it.
Try: “This is fear.” “This is shame.” “This is frustration.”
Labelling helps your nervous system downshift out of survival mode.
- Pause the story.
Before you let your brain write a Netflix drama about it, ask:
“What am I making this mean?”
Chances are, the meaning is what’s hurting you more than the emotion.
- Choose a more helpful frame.
Not a sugar-coated lie. Just something truer and more useful.
Like: “This fear is a sign I care deeply.”
Or: “This sadness is showing me what matters.”
- Let it move.
Breathe. Walk. Shake. Write. Cry. (Any or all of these are useful)
Don’t intellectualise it, metabolise it.
That’s how emotions complete their cycle instead of lingering like emotional indigestion.
The Myth of the Calm Leader
There’s this fantasy version of a leader, composed, poised, eternally unruffled.
But the ones people remember and trust are real, emotionally available, not cold.
They practice self-connection. and create space for their emotions. Then choose how to respond.
This is what builds trust and allows others to feel safe, seen, and human too.
Rewrite the Story. Reclaim Your Power.
Next time you feel overwhelmed by emotion and catch yourself saying, “I need to get a grip,” try asking:
- What am I feeling right now?
- What story just kicked in?
- Do I want to keep believing that story, or is it time to write a better one?
Because you don’t need to be less emotional.
You need to trust yourself to hold the emotion without being consumed or overrun by it.
Stop rehearsing old scripts that tell you you’re “too much,” or “not enough,” or “not allowed to feel.”
Those stories were never yours to begin with.
Want Help Rewriting Your Inner Narrative?
That’s what we do inside StoryPower.
It’s a powerful 1:1 experience that helps you find and shape the three stories every leader needs, but more than that, it helps you rewrite the silent story you’ve been telling yourself about your worth, your voice, and your right to take up space.
You’ll walk away clearer, more confident, and no longer second-guessing every word that leaves your mouth.
Let’s put you back in the author’s seat.